Understanding Criticism: How to Manage Guilt, Shame and Build Resilience

Confidence and Self-Esteem (February, Blog 5)

Transforming Negative Feedback into Personal Growth

Not All Criticism is Created Equal

In everyday life, we all encounter criticism, whether it’s at work, in relationships, or even from ourselves. But not all feedback is the same. Some can be useful and help us grow, while other types can leave us feeling like we’re not good enough.

When someone gives us feedback focused on a specific action or behaviour—like forgetting to return a call or missing a deadline—it often leads to a feeling of guilt. This feeling can actually motivate us to fix our mistakes and make things right. It’s a bit like getting a nudge in the right direction: it can sting for a moment, but it pushes us to repair the situation and learn from it.

When Criticism Becomes Personal

However, things feel very different when the criticism crosses a line and targets who we are as a person rather than something we've done. If you’ve ever been told something like, “You’re just lazy” or “You’re not good enough,” that’s when it becomes an attack on your core sense of self. This is when shame can kick in.

Shame is much more than feeling bad about a mistake. It’s a deep, painful feeling that often makes us want to withdraw and hide. You might feel overwhelmed, unable to think clearly, or even find yourself lost for words. It’s different from embarrassment, which tends to be lighter and often tied to a public moment like tripping in front of people. Shame, on the other hand, is a much more intense emotion that can linger for a long time.

The Difference Between Guilt and Shame

The key difference here is that guilt tends to be linked to something we’ve done, while shame is tied to how we see ourselves. Guilt helps us change; shame can make us feel stuck. It’s the difference between thinking, "I made a mistake" versus "I am a mistake."

Picture this: you’re late for a meeting, and your colleague points it out. If they say, "You were late today," that might make you feel a bit guilty, but it’s something you can fix next time. But if they say, "You’re always so unreliable," that’s more likely to trigger shame because it feels like they’re criticising who you are, not just what you did.

Why Shame Feels So Overwhelming

Shame is such a strong feeling that it can overwhelm us both mentally and physically. Your heart might race, your stomach may churn, and you may feel like you want to escape. This reaction can make it tough to shake off, even long after the moment has passed. That’s why it’s important to recognise when criticism is constructive and when it’s becoming harmful.

Understanding these emotional differences can help you manage how you respond to feedback. It’s about knowing when to take responsibility for your actions, and when to remind yourself that criticism doesn’t define who you are.

The Chain Reaction of Shame and How We Can Build Resilience

The Emotional Wildfire of Shame

Shame can hit us like a wave, sparking intense emotional reactions that quickly spiral. It’s as if shame lights a match to all our other emotions—suddenly, anger, fear, or even disgust flare up alongside it. You might recognise this feeling: someone says something that touches a nerve, and before you know it, you're furious, panicking, or overwhelmed by a sense of disgust—not just at the situation, but often at yourself.

Once this happens, many of us instinctively turn inward. We start to criticise or blame ourselves, asking questions like “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why can’t I just be better?” It’s a self-attack that only makes things worse. At this point, it’s tempting to shut down entirely. We try to numb out or distract ourselves, reaching for whatever offers a quick escape—whether that’s scrolling mindlessly on social media, binge-watching TV, or turning to more harmful habits like overeating or drinking. These behaviours might offer temporary relief, but they don’t deal with the root of the problem.

Why Shame Isn’t Easy to Shake Off

The thing about shame is that it’s not something we can just push aside or ignore. It’s sticky, lingering far longer than we’d like. Trying to block it out often only makes it louder, forcing us to seek out distractions that, while numbing in the moment, don’t solve anything. The relief is always short-lived, leaving us back where we started.

Learning to Bounce Back: The Practice of Shame Resilience

Here’s the good news: it’s possible to build resilience to shame. It’s not about becoming immune to shame—none of us can avoid feeling it completely. Instead, it’s about learning how to pick ourselves back up when it knocks us down. Resilience is like a skill we can develop over time, but it takes consistent practice. Think of it like building muscle: you have to keep working at it, little by little.

When we become more resilient to shame, we learn how to recognise it, understand what it’s trying to tell us, and respond in a healthier way. It’s about dusting ourselves off after we’ve stumbled, rather than staying down or hiding away. This doesn’t mean shame becomes painless, but it does mean it becomes more manageable—and crucially, it doesn’t have to control us.

In day-to-day life, this might look like pausing when we feel shame rising, rather than immediately jumping into self-criticism or escape. It’s about challenging that harsh inner voice, reminding ourselves that we’re human, and that making mistakes doesn’t define our worth.

Putting It All Together – Connecting the Dots!

Ultimately, transforming criticism into a tool for building self-esteem and confidence is about balance. It means carefully choosing whose opinions to value, using constructive feedback to propel yourself forward, and filtering out personal attacks that only serve to lower your self-worth. With practice, you can learn to see criticism for what it truly is—a potential catalyst for personal growth rather than a measure of your value.

By understanding these dynamics, you can build a more resilient self-image and live a life that reflects your true worth. Not every critical comment will disappear, but with a clear sense of self and the right inner dialogue, you can turn even the harshest feedback into a building block for confidence and personal success.

Coming Soon: Practical Tips to Bounce Back from Shame Without Losing Your Self-Worth

If any of this resonated with you, get ready for my next article, where we’ll explore practical strategies to help you recover from shame without letting it erode your self-esteem and confidence.

Stay tuned for a deep dive into this topic, and get ready to learn how to transform criticism and shame into stepping stones for personal growth and a more resilient sense of self.

Sending love,

Dr Dot x

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