From Shame to Strength: How to Stop Criticism from Breaking You

Confidence and Self-Esteem (February, Blog 6)

If you feel ashamed after a criticism or a hurtful comment, it helps to have a plan for bouncing back without letting it chip away at your self-worth. Here’s how you can do that in everyday terms:

Know What Triggers Shame for You

Shame is deeply personal and often linked to the things we value most about ourselves. Think about the parts of your life that feel central to who you are. For some, it might be their role as a parent, their appearance, or their creative abilities. When something threatens these areas, it’s easy for shame to creep in because we see these aspects as reflections of our self-worth.

To protect your sense of worth, it helps to recognise what triggers shame for you. For example, if someone criticises your parenting, and you see yourself as a good parent, that can hit hard because it feels personal. The key to building resilience is realising that your value as a human being doesn’t depend on being perfect or free from mistakes. You are worthy, even when you don’t get it all right.

Check the Facts Behind Criticism

Whether it’s someone else criticising you or that harsh voice in your own head, it’s important to separate fact from opinion. Judgements can feel like hard truths, but they’re really just someone’s perspective—often clouded by emotions. For instance, if you’ve made an error at work, your inner critic might say, “You’re terrible at your job.” But that’s not a fact; it’s a story your mind is telling. The actual fact is, “I made a mistake on this project.” There’s a big difference between those two statements.

To look after your self-worth, you need to remove the personal attacks from the equation. Focus on the specific behaviour that went wrong and its consequences, without letting it define you as a person. Remind yourself that being human means being imperfect and having flaws—we all make mistakes, and that’s okay. Making peace with the idea that you will fail sometimes allows you to bounce back quicker, without feeling like those mistakes determine your value.

Embrace Imperfection as Part of Being Human

One of the best things you can do for your self-worth is to stop expecting yourself to be perfect. We all fail from time to time, and that’s just part of being human. If you can accept that mistakes are inevitable, they won’t feel like personal failings. Instead of beating yourself up, you can look at what went wrong and use it as an opportunity to grow and improve.

When you build a friendship with your imperfection, you allow room for self-compassion, which makes it easier to recover from shame. Rather than spiralling into feelings of worthlessness, you can learn from your experiences and remind yourself that your value doesn’t hinge on always getting it right.

Mind Your Inner Dialogue

Think of criticism as a pebble thrown at you—yes, it might sting a bit because your brain is trying to keep you safe. Imagine getting a mean remark on social media; you might find yourself replaying it in your head, much like that annoying song you can’t shake off. Each replay can make the sting feel even worse, like a single kick in the stomach turning into a hundred little jabs. Instead of fixating on the hurtful parts, try to focus on any practical advice hidden inside. If someone at work suggests you could improve your presentation style, for example, use that feedback as a stepping stone rather than a blow to your self-esteem.

Speak kindly to yourself

After a harsh comment, it’s easy to start a cycle of self-criticism. But ask yourself—if a friend was in your shoes, wouldn’t you offer them some encouragement? It might feel like being gentle with yourself is letting yourself off the hook, but in reality, treating yourself with the same compassion you’d offer a friend can help you sift out the useful advice from the damaging criticism. It’s like having your own supportive coach who helps you decide what feedback to use for growth and what to simply let roll off your back.

 The saying is often expressed as, "What you choose to focus on grows." It means that the attention and energy you put into something tends to shape and amplify your experience of it. For example, if you concentrate on opportunities and positive aspects of life, you're more likely to notice and attract them. Conversely, if you dwell on negative thoughts or setbacks, they can start to dominate your reality. This idea encourages you to be mindful of where your focus lies, because that focus can directly influence your outcomes and overall well-being.

Talk About It

Keeping feelings of shame bottled up is like carrying a heavy backpack all day—it just makes everything feel more exhausting. When you share your experience with someone you trust, whether it’s a close friend or a colleague, it can lighten the load. Think about how chatting about a rough day with a friend over a cup of tea can suddenly make the challenges seem more manageable. When you talk about what hurt you with someone who listens and empathizes, you’re better able to move past the shame and refocus on what truly matters.

By using these everyday strategies, you can transform painful criticism into a chance for growth, rather than a blow to your confidence.

Sending love,

Dr Dot x

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