Confidence and Self-esteem (February 2025, Blog 3): Are You a People-Pleaser?

Are You a People-Pleaser?

Ever found yourself nodding along to plans you don’t actually want to be part of? Agreeing to extra work when your plate is already full? Saying “yes” when every fibre of your being is screaming “no”?

If that sounds familiar, welcome to the exhausting world of people-pleasing. It’s not just about being nice—it’s about putting everyone else’s needs ahead of your own, often to the point where your own well-being takes a hit. You might avoid conflict like the plague, struggle to say what you really think, and find it almost impossible to set boundaries. And while you might be the “go-to” person for favours, it can leave you feeling drained, overlooked, and even resentful.

The People-Pleasing Cycle

People-pleasing often starts early. If you grew up in an environment where expressing your needs felt unsafe or led to rejection, you may have learned that keeping others happy was the best way to avoid trouble. It makes sense—kids do what they need to do to feel secure. But as adults, this pattern can chip away at your self-esteem, leaving you constantly second-guessing yourself.

For example, you might replay conversations in your head, wondering if you upset someone. You might overthink text messages/emails, rereading them multiple times before hitting send. If your self-worth is tied to how others perceive you, it’s a constant, exhausting job—one that can make social interactions feel more stressful than they need to be.

The Schemas Behind People-Pleasing

In Schema Therapy, we recognise that deeply ingrained patterns, or 'schemas,' often drive people-pleasing behaviour. These schemas develop early in life and shape the way we think, feel, and interact with others. Here are some of the key schemas commonly linked to people-pleasing:

·       Self-Sacrifice Schema: You feel responsible for other people's happiness and prioritise their needs over your own, even when it harms you. Saying "no" feels selfish, and guilt is your constant companion.

·       Subjugation Schema: You suppress your own needs and opinions to avoid conflict, criticism, or rejection. You may believe that if you assert yourself, others will retaliate, reject, or abandon you.

·       Approval-Seeking Schema: Your self-worth depends on external validation. You crave approval and fear disapproval so intensely that you mould yourself to fit others' expectations, even if it means losing your sense of identity.

·       Defectiveness Schema: Deep down, you believe you are fundamentally flawed or unworthy. You assume that if people truly knew you, they wouldn’t accept you—so you work extra hard to be 'likeable' to compensate.

·       Unrelenting Standards Schema: You set impossibly high expectations for yourself and fear that falling short will make you unworthy. You strive for perfection in relationships, work, and social interactions to avoid feeling inadequate.

Recognising these schemas is the first step towards breaking free from people-pleasing. The next step is challenging and restructuring these deep-rooted beliefs, which is exactly what I help my clients do in Schema Therapy.

When Disapproval Feels Like a Punch in the Gut

Here’s the thing—disapproval isn’t always obvious. Sometimes it’s a sigh, an eye-roll, or just an awkward silence that makes you feel like you’ve done something wrong. Ever had that moment in a meeting where you say something and someone raises an eyebrow? Suddenly, you’re spiralling, assuming they think you’re ridiculous, even though they might just be digesting their lunch.

But research shows we massively overestimate how much people are paying attention to us. It’s called the “spotlight effect”—because we’re at the centre of our own thoughts, we assume we’re at the centre of everyone else’s too. Spoiler: we’re not. Most people are too wrapped up in their own worries to be scrutinising your every move.

Social Anxiety & People-Pleasing: A Vicious Cycle

If you struggle with social anxiety, people-pleasing can be even harder to shake. You might be hyper-aware of how you come across, analysing every word, every facial expression, every possible mistake. Ironically, this inward focus can make you appear withdrawn or distant, which can lead others to act less warmly towards you—fuelling the very fear you were trying to avoid. Clark & Wells (1995) explain this well: it’s not that socially anxious people don’t care about others, they care too much—but their focus is turned inward, making genuine connection harder.

Meanwhile, confident people tend to have an outward focus. They’re engaged, curious about others, and as a result, come across as warm and approachable. It’s not that they don’t care about being liked—they just don’t let that fear dictate their behaviour. And because they’re focused on the moment rather than their own performance, they naturally feel more at ease.

How to Break Free from People-Pleasing

So how do you start shifting away from people-pleasing? Here’s the good news: it’s possible, and it starts with small steps.

·       Practice Saying No: You don’t need to go full “I QUIT” mode, but start with tiny boundaries. Maybe it’s declining an invite you don’t have the energy for. Maybe it’s pushing back on unrealistic deadlines.

·       Challenge Your Assumptions: When you catch yourself worrying about someone’s disapproval, ask, “Do I knowthis is true, or am I just assuming?” Nine times out of ten, you’re filling in the blanks with your own insecurities.

·       Shift Your Focus Outward: Instead of monitoring yourself in social situations, turn your attention to others. Get curious about them, ask questions, and notice how much lighter interactions feel.

Final Thoughts

People-pleasing is a tough habit to break, especially when it has been part of your survival toolkit for years. But with small, consistent changes, you can step out of this exhausting cycle. The goal isn’t to stop being kind—it’s to stop being kind at your own expense. Because at the end of the day, your time, energy, and peace of mind matter just as much as anyone else’s. And isn’t that worth prioritising?

I hope you’ve found this helpful, please get in touch if you have any questions: dot@drdot.co.uk

You can also find me on:

Instagram: drdot_

TikTok: drdotpsychology

Facebook: Dr Dot

Sending love,

Dr Dot x