Confidence and Self-esteem (February 2025, Blog 2): How to Manage Criticism and Stop Letting Others' Opinions Control Your Life
“Confidence is like holding your own light in the darkness—trusting yourself to shine, even when the world around you feels uncertain. You have the power to light your own way”.
Now that we understand why it’s natural to care what others think, how do we stop letting those opinions have such a hold over us? Let’s dive into some examples, insights, and practical tips to help you manage criticism in a healthier way. I wish I had known about these many years ago.
1. Reframe the Criticism
Instead of taking criticism personally, try to view it objectively. Ask yourself, “Is this feedback useful or just hurtful?” If it’s constructive, it’s an opportunity for growth. For example, if your boss suggests improving your presentation skills, rather than feeling like a failure, try reframing it as, “This is something I can work on and get better at with practice.” Remember, no one is perfect.
Our brains often jump to conclusions/tries to fill in the blanks, like thinking, “I’m terrible at this.” To avoid this, ask for specific feedback, such as, “What exactly can I improve—my delivery or the content?”
On the other hand, if the criticism is vague, unfair, or seems to stem from someone else’s issues, remind yourself that it might not be about you. For instance, if a friend comments on your lifestyle choices, reflect on whether their opinion aligns with your values. If it doesn’t, it’s okay to let it go.
2. Check the Source
Not all opinions carry the same weight. It’s important to consider who is giving the criticism and whether you respect their opinion. For example, if feedback comes from a trusted mentor or someone whose values align with yours, it’s likely meant to help you grow. But if it’s from someone who’s always critical or negative, you don’t have to give their words so much importance.
I used to struggle with this myself. I’d get really caught up on a casual comment from someone who barely knew me. Overtime, I realised the opinions that matter most come from people who genuinely care about my well-being and want to see me succeed. Now, I filter feedback by asking myself, “Is this coming from someone I trust and respect?” If not, I don’t give it the same attention.
There’s a saying, “strong opinions, loosely held,” meaning sometimes people express their views strongly, but there’s little substance behind them. For example, if a friend tells you, “You’re too nice,” it might not feel like criticism if you know they care about you and are concerned others are taking advantage of your kindness. But if someone you don’t trust says the same thing, you’re more likely to brush it off. The key is to weigh opinions based on the source and their intentions, not just the words themselves.
3. Practice Self-Compassion
This is key, as we can often be our own worst critics. When we hear negative feedback, it’s easy to fall into a spiral of self-doubt. But the next time you’re faced with criticism, take a moment to pause and remind yourself that making mistakes is part of being human. Nobody has it all figured out, and it’s perfectly fine to be a work in progress. You might even reframe the situation by thinking, “How lucky am I to have someone in my life who cares enough to help me grow?”
One thing that helps me is saying, “I’m doing the best I can with what I know right now.” This simple reminder has helped me brush off harsh comments and keep moving forward. It’s all about being kind to yourself when you feel vulnerable. Overtime, practising self-compassion builds resilience, and criticism becomes less painful.
Here’s an example: Imagine you’re playing in a sports league, and instead of setting your goal to “win the championship,” you set it as “do your best and support your teammates.” This shift in focus helps you stay positive, even if things don’t go perfectly. When we set goals that are all about outcomes, like winning, and we fall short, we often beat ourselves up. But when we focus on values, like being a good teammate or showing up with effort and heart, we can feel proud regardless of the result. The point is, self-compassion helps us embrace the process rather than harshly judging ourselves on the final outcome. This way, we grow without tearing ourselves down.
Here’s another example: Let’s say you’re learning to cook a new recipe, and it doesn’t turn out the way you hoped. Instead of beating yourself up for not getting it right, you can practice self-compassion by reminding yourself that learning something new takes time, and it’s okay to make mistakes. You might even think, “At least I’m trying, and I’ll get better with practice.” This shift helps you focus on the effort and learning process, rather than getting hung up on perfection.
Or, imagine at work, you make a mistake on a project. Instead of saying, "I can't do anything right," you can reframe it with, "I’m learning and doing the best I can." You could also appreciate that the feedback you receive is helping you grow. That way, you’re kinder to yourself and more open to improving.
The idea is to show yourself the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend who’s learning something new or made an honest mistake. Next time things don’t go as planned and you find yourself being overly critical, stop and ask, “Would I say this to a friend?” If the answer is no, then why are you being so harsh on yourself? We’d never dream of speaking to a friend the way we sometimes speak to ourselves, so why tear yourself down? By practicing self-compassion, you give yourself the space to learn and grow, making it easier to move forward without letting mistakes define you.
4. Focus on Your Values
When you’re living in line with your values, criticism loses its power. Ask yourself, “What truly matters to me?” If you’re confident that you’re staying true to your core values, then criticism from others doesn’t need to throw you off course.
For example, let’s say you’ve decided to prioritise your mental health by cutting back on work hours. You might get comments like, “You’re not working hard enough” or “You’re slacking.” But if you know that your value is to create a healthier work-life balance, those comments don’t hold as much weight, because you’re doing what’s best for you.
The key is to keep checking in with yourself: Are your actions aligned with what’s important to you? If the answer is yes, then other people’s opinions don’t get to dictate your life.
5. Set Boundaries
Lastly, it’s really important to set boundaries when it comes to criticism. If certain people in your life are constantly negative or judgmental, it’s completely okay to distance yourself or limit how much of their feedback you take to heart. You have every right to protect your mental and emotional space.
Think about a time when you left a conversation with a friend or colleague, where you were feeling drained because their constant criticism made you feel like you weren’t good enough. If you set boundaries—like mentally tuning out unnecessary comments or limiting how often you interact with them—you might notice how much lighter and more confident you feel. It’s amazing how empowering it can be to take control of whose opinions you allow into your life.
I once had a boss who constantly criticized my appearance and clothing to the point where I dreaded going to work. Every day, I felt more beaten down, and it really affected my confidence and happiness. Looking back, I wish I had set boundaries—maybe by asking for a meeting with another supervisor or speaking up sooner. The important thing is to not keep putting yourself in emotionally unsafe situations. There are bullies out there, and it’s okay to protect yourself from their negativity.
Final Thoughts
The truth is, we can’t control what others think or say about us. But what we can control is how we respond. By learning to reframe criticism, checking the source, practicing self-compassion, focusing on our values, and setting boundaries, we can take back that control. It doesn’t mean criticism will never hurt again, but it won’t have the same power to derail us or make us question our worth.
Remember, you’re more than the sum of other people’s opinions. Keep moving towards what matters to you, and let the rest go. The more you practice this, the easier it becomes to filter out the noise and focus on living a life that’s true to who you are.
If this resonated with you, stay tuned! I’ll be diving deeper into this topic throughout my blog series in February, with more insights and tips to help you navigate life's challenges around confidence and self-esteem.
Sending love,
Dr Dot x
